Tuesday, April 08, 2008

How To Blog. Lesson One: There Is No Lesson Two

Unsubstantiated rumor. Epithet hurled at people who mildly disagree with you. Specious argument. Disregard for manners. Balogna. Baloney.

Now insert cut-and-paste research to bolster crabby worldview cadged from monomaniac manipulators, if plain fibbing is unavailable. Charts are best:

Remember, hyperlinks to pointless unedited text are great, but really long strings of URL gibberish that make reader's browser display funny because they run off the page are always better. When in doubt, it's best to just paste thousands of words in one big undifferentiated paragraph right in there like a texty skyscraper of unanswerable intellectual doom. Otherwise no one might read it.

Possessive it's. Possessive it's. Possessive it's.
Contraction for it is: its.


Point out spelling is for loosers, you spelling Nazi! I learned critical thinking at Community College! All you can do is spell.

Big bowl of que cue and queue in a mixed salad with bile.

Pie Chart!

Just yell Strawman! over and over. Not sure why.

I hate hate. I hate the hating haters who don't hate hate like me. Kill the hating haters! Sterilize the hating haters, then kill them and desecrate their graves and dig them up and hate them for hating like that.

One word for you: Hitler!

There are too many people. Something something Darwin. Something something border fence. Al Gore is fat. Rush Limbaugh is fat.

Apocalypse now. Apocalypse then.

You drink the Kool-Ade. I drink from the fountain of truth and wisdom. And Mountain Dew and Red Bull.

Don't forget: Drop dead! is way too generous a sentiment for anyone you don't like. They must perish in a conflagration.

Picture of cat, with non-sequitur slogan rendered in mangled syntax, spelling, and in an unattractive font.
Ascribe superpowers and imbecility to the same public personage for the same action. Point out that you're forced to take Paxil, Prozac, Valium, Xanax, Ativan, Effexor, Zoloft, Zyprexa, Seroquel, Strattera, Ritalin, and Adderall because everybody else is so crazy and neurotic. Then fire up an enormous medical cheeba blunt to calm down.

***Place quote from "The Big Lebowski" here where quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson used to go***

Remind everyone of your threat to move to Canada if the political Zeitgeist doesn't shape up. Divide yourselves equally between people who will flee to Canada because it's full of pacifist diversity-minded hippies, or because you're going to get a job in the 1890s style oil boom economy where people go to the saloon after work with a six shooter on their belt. Never leave your cubicle or your couch, though.

For no particular reason, and with no particular point in mind, finish up the whole thing with:



Tony Daniel said...

Frighteningly apt.

blake said...



Trooper York said...

We all can't be the sage of the sawdust.

vanderleun said...

Behind blogging curve again!

For no particular reason, and with no particular point in mind, finish up the whole thing with:


J.C. Loophole said...

Witty rejoinder!
Brief lament at state of world/internet/youth/education system/government.
Short quote found on internet quote website that has nothing to do with the comment, and may be misattributed, but appears cool.
Quick plug for commentor's own website: Shameless Plug

SippicanCottage said...

Hiya fellers. Some fresh faces commenting on my fresh faeces, I see. There's beer in the fridge. Help yourself.

Gerard, as usual, is correct, as far as he goes. I thinks big around here. I should have gone with: EPIC FAIL.

We likes the Loophole movie thingie. Press the button he left.

Anonymous said...

So, the pie chart: cherry, blueberry, cheese, ...aquaberry?? What's up with that??

Not to mention (oh, OK, I will mention), that cat has a lousy, unrealistic hairpiece. Probably made of mouse fur. But that's cats for you. Me, I'm a moose and penguin guy, though in a pinch moose and squirrel works well enough.

Eric said...

Gee, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

We're just more aware of each other's thoughts now.

I'm not sure that's a such a good thing, either.

jum1801 said...

Dang, it's like you've been on this here internets thing before.

jum1801 said...

Oh, forgive the gauche double-post, but you failed to mention one of the vital blogging tools: irony, toujours irony.

SippicanCottage said...

We call it the Intertunnel around here.

Anonymous said...

now I see it..