Monday, March 31, 2008

I'm The Only Serial Killer In Massachusetts

I have to look after a handful of websites. All of these websites collect a little information about the people who visit them. Some of the utilities have a vast array of available views of that information. Maps. Pies. Tag clouds. You can produce your own multi-hued USA Today with them, if you like. The problem is, they tell you almost nothing.

Advertising is shifting from other media, especially print, onto the Web. So people prize these statistics. They are growing adept at massaging them into something salable. Most people seem to be cobbling together a concatenation of screeds calling conventional media giants poopyheads in the hope of drawing conventional media attention and a paycheck. Because that's where the money is.

If you're worried about the nature of the statistics being collected about you when you cruise the Intertunnel, perhaps I could put your mind at ease. It says almost nothing. If you leave your machine wide open to cookies, people could find out the town you live in, maybe, or more likely the town the Internet Service Provider you use lives in. Webmasters can see what pages get looked at. Who referred you by hyperlink. Search terms. Nothing much.

People that have webpages generally look at one number, which they hope is a big fat one: how many people visit each day. The rest is amusing applesauce for the most part, in my humble opinion. Even the good numbers can be applesauce, because Internet prominence schemes involve getting people to look at your page whether they are really an important audience or not.

I've seen people painstakingly build Web edifices solely of large handfuls of monomaniac patrons, being counted over and over as they compulsively visit a page and yell stuff in the comments. Then the bloggers get a book deal based on the traffic numbers and no one buys it. It's as if you got every person that stands on a highway overpass and yells at traffic to sign off on your business plan. If I had to rename the Internet right now, "Potemkin" would appear somewhere in its new title.

I keep seeing websites that are based on the most quotidian aspects of life become behemoths, with the only real traffic that matters if you're trying to make money without hopscotching off the web: people who spend real money. I see pundits being asked serious questions on television news programs simply because they've assembled a phalanx of angry commenters. But if you had any sense, you'd never as a third party purchase their website when you could buy Celebrity Baby Blogs instead. What a sneer you'd get from the literati glitterati of the blogosphere if you mention a website like that. Sneering at it is all you can do if you can't afford a postage stamp sized ad on there.

I'm not registered on The Truth Laid Bear. That's a website that constantly ranks "blogs" (another nebulous term) by traffic and by their prominence based on the amount of other blogs that refer to them in the form of links. Technorati does the same sort of thing. There are many others, of course. I can't help but notice that's basically a closed circuit, with a few opinions racing around in a circle.

I get some attention in that closed circuit, more or less than I deserve depending upon your taste, I guess, and I do find it interesting to participate in it a little. But I'd like to remind myself, and everybody else in the closed circuit, of one little thing.

Internet information is the dumbest kind of information there is. It involves bestowing attention based solely on a very provincial kind of notoriety. If you see people arguing over some obscure point in the comments of an Internet talking shop, the gauntlet is often thrown down: "Link please." It means you're being called out to back up whatever the hell you said with a hyperlink to something somewhere else on the Web to prove it. That has a certain aroma to me. "This is how I go, when I go like this."

There are many things in this world that are not amenable to "Link Please" pleading. When I had a management job in a large construction company, I occasionally had to utter: "You guys do understand that something actually happens outside this building?" to the assembled throng of beancounters, who manifestly did not understand that. And since what was happening outside the building dwarfed what happened inside, being that it involved excavators and bulldozers and dynamite and so forth, you'd think they'd know that already. They'd just look at you blankly.

I sell furniture now. I've been outside the Internet building. If you told me I could have a banner ad on every single blog listed on The Truth Laid Bear for a year, or I could have Martha Stewart look directly into a camera lens and simply utter my name, kindly, once, guess which I'd pick.

"Link, please." OK. Who is the only serial killer of note in Massachusetts, according to Google?

I'd stay on my good side, were I you. "If You Don't Buy This Magazine We'll Kill This Dog" can't hold a candle to me. Maybe buy an end table or sumfin'. You wouldn't want to make me angry.


Eric said...

If you told me I could have a banner ad on every single blog listed on The Truth Laid Bear for a year, or I could have Martha Stewart look directly into a camera lens and simply utter my name, kindly, once, guess which I'd pick.

Heh. I think you got that right.

I recently saw a pottery maker on the Martha Stewart show. I visited her site, found the link to his site, and saw some stuff there that I liked enough to order.

Anonymous said...

True about Martha, except when it comes to politics. I've noticed when she mentions Hillary on her new show that even my wife groans. No matter what she says about her friend, Lynard Skynard's "That Smell" comes to mind; dead woman walking...

Gnawbone Jack

Janet said...

Oh man. There's a term for searches that turn up only one result, but it has slipped my mind.

I'm on your good side, aren't I?

SippicanCottage said...

Hi Janet- There is a term for a two word search term that returns one entry on Google. Googlewhack.

The funny thing is, I'm one of those, too.

This Google result doesn't count towards that because it contains operands. (quotation marks, plus signs)There are actually two, two word searches that return just me, but one of them has a misspelled word, so I don't count it.

As far as my good side, I was unaware that I had one.

Anonymous said...

Is that the MA serial killer above me?

SippicanCottage said...

tao- Heh. Can you read German? It felt like that. A string of disjointed, oddly capitalized words, and the whole time you're waiting for the verb at the end.

Adam said...

If you take the quotations off that google search, you'll get a few more hits about Massachussets and serial killers. But that would sorta mess up the point you were trying to make.

SippicanCottage said...

Now, Adam. The next thing you know, you'll be telling me that a Rabbi, a Priest, and a Minister don't often enter a tavern together.

Adam said...

Well of course not, they go to pubs and sometimes grills. But a tavern, never.