A subscription to Hovels and Shovels comes free with every fill-up at the West Paris McDonald's recycled grease tractor-fuel depot, or you can find it at news stands everywhere in the New Sweden area. Besides this stunning 3 x 5 glossy print of me relaxing between tantric stump grinding sessions, there's a centerfold picture of June Lockhart in her Reynold's Wrap jumpsuit from Lost In Space in there, too. Hubba hubba. Enjoy:
Catching Up With Sippican: The Man, The Myth, The Man Some More
By: Edna St. Vincent Malaise
Photos by: Paco Manraybanne
Hovels and Shovels: Thanks for taking time out from your grueling schedule to speak with us. We're curious. Why the compression bandage on your right knee?
Sippican: It's an old candlepin bowling injury. It acts up on me when I genuflect. It also signals the coming of winter and tax bills.
H&S: Taxes and winter. Are those two things related somehow?
Sippican: Well, the tax bills last all year. Winter is only eleven months long, so I don't see the connection.
H&S: I see. On to another topic, your neighbors say you're a very spiritual man.
Sippican: It's a damn lie. I drink as much Allen's Coffee Brandy as the next fellow, but I haven't been up in front of a judge in almost a fortnight.
H&S: I see. Do you have a favorite Allen's Coffee Brandy cocktail?
Sippican: Well, there's the Lewiston Martini. That's coffee brandy and milk. I'm partial to the Burnt Trailer, myself.
H&S: What's that?
Sippican: Coffee brandy and Moxie.
H&S: What's it taste like?
Sippican: I don't know. No one can ever remember. I imagine it tastes like a Welfare Mom.
H&S: What's that?
Sippican: Coffee brandy and Diet Moxie.
H&S: Let's move on.
Sippican: Last time I was told to move on, I ended up in Maine.
H&S: Change the subject, I mean.
Sippican: You're the doctor.
H&S: It's currently four below zero. You're wearing shorts.
Sippican: Yes, but not to worry; they're lined.
H&S: With what?
H&S: Is that an LL Bean hammock?
Sippican: Never heard of him.
H&S: You never heard of LL Bean?
Sippican: I don't care for your tone, young lady. Ask him if he's heard of me. If he says yes, you can call me a liar, but not before.
H&S: Are those tribal tattoos?
Sippican: I get that question a lot, especially when I'm being frisked. No, my mom used to buy all my clothes at Marden's, and I accidentally put on one of my shirts when it was still a little wet. It's been fourteen years, but it's starting to fade a bit, I think.
H&S: That's an interesting book you're reading. Translating the Word of God.
Sippican: Well, I used to guest-post on God's blog, and I wanted to make sure this Beekman fellow didn't take any liberties.
H&S: God has a blog?
Sippican: Yeah, but it's on Weebly, so pretty much no one reads it.
H&S: What's on God's blog?
Sippican: Recipes, mostly.
H&S: Thanks for taking time from your busy schedule to talk to us.
Sippican: You got any jumper cables?