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Tuesday, September 02, 2014

25 Manly Things Every Manly Man Should Know How To Do

I wear wingtips to the beach. Deal with it.

I've been reading Popular Mechanics again. I checked their back issues, just to be certain, and indeed, men used to work there once upon a time. I think men used to read it, too, not just women who wave it under their boyfriend's nose while saying, "See, Orlando Bloom can defrag a hardrive while giving a foot massage, what's your problem?"

I thought that I could help. Lend a hand, like a narcoleptic at a bandsaw, as they say. I am, after all, the Manliest Man on the Intertunnel. I know Lawrence of Arabia once brought a horde of Bedouins out of the Nefud Desert, but I once brought a man out of a wine cellar four times in an hour-and-a-half. Seriously.

Since the Dos Equis guy got ten minutes older and now he's just another guy in the nursing home, I thought I should step up to the plate and offer the youngsters some guidance on what makes a Manly Man. It's not enough that they should learn simply from studying Freddie Mercury posters while listening to Black Oak Arkansas records. I mean, that's pretty manly stuff, and it's a good start and all, but this is Graduate School for Pheromones, baby. Here's my 25 Manly Things Every Manly Man Should Know How To Do:
  • Parallel park a supertanker
  • Gap a spark plug while windsurfing
  • Bring a woman to orgasm using only cologne
  • Walk into any room, approach the biggest, meanest person there, say nothing, and then punch them in the throat -- Bonus points are awarded if there are any adult males in the room.
  • Circumcise a Great White Shark -- A boat is cheating.
  • Eat a flash cube -- Remember to punch anyone that asks you what a flash cube is.
  • Drink from the skull of your vanquished enemies -- If you're currently battling a squirrel in the attic, it's more of a shot glass thing.
  • Hear the lamentations of their women -- That's why you should always wear hearing protection. Don't want to miss out on the lamentation because of tinnitus
  • Carve a holiday turkey with a chainsaw
  • Iron a button-down shirt while you're wearing it
  • Fell a tree
  • Tree a feller
  • Use a torque wrench to, like, you know, torque things 
  • Wear a hockey helmet to a board meeting
  • Drive a stick shift to drink
  • Grow your own lasagna
  • Mix concrete in your wife's blender and get away with it
  • Replace a broken windowpane using molten glass
  • Know how to treat severe sunburn caused by exposure to the little lightbulb in the refrigerator that holds your beer
  • Perform the Heimlich Maneuver on anyone that sneezes
  • Give a tick Lyme Disease
  • When you're at work, and there's a Women's Studies graduate in the next cubicle, every time you make a mistake loudly declaim: At home I put my wife on top so I can screw up there, too!
  • Lose those love handles using a jack plane
  • Build a fire in the wilderness using only one match and fourteen gallons of gasoline
  • Your mother


Well, while you're hanging around, you might as well read the Rumford Meteor, or you won't know what it says:
http://rumfordmeteor.com/

12 comments:

benjaminthomas said...

You've been reading Chuck Norris' diary again, haven't you? Or was it the Heir's blog?

Sam L. said...

I note the subtle scent of whimsy here, or...does my nose need recalibration?

Roy Lofquist said...

"Grow your own lasagna"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27ugSKW4-QQ

Anonymous said...

Where can I buy that cologne ?

Gringo said...

Bit of humor, there.

chasmatic said...

My uncle Louie Lozko, we all called him "Letsgo Lozko", he raised bantam chickens.

BillH said...

do Your mother? You should have stopped at 24.

Jim said...

No, BillH, do YOUR mother... (hehe)

GA Dean said...

"Iron a button-down shirt while you're wearing it"

Ah...every manly-man knows that this is easy if you know the trick. Just flex your massive muscles until they generate enough heat to flash your sweat into steam. The wrinkles just vanish!

Thud said...

If that's a bucket list then kicking the bucket is going to happen pretty near the top of the list.

Jim in Alaska said...

Love handles/ Jack plane? How yesterday! Real men today use a belt sander.

Anonymous said...

"Walk into any room, approach the biggest, meanest person there, say nothing, and then punch them in the throat -- Bonus points are awarded if there are any adult males in the room."

DONE!

Well, except it was a butch dyke reunion. but they all loked the part.