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Saturday, July 26, 2014

The Internet Is Finished. You Can Go Home Now


Move along. There's nothing to see here. Go about your business. The Internet is finished.

That was it. I just finished the Internet. I just finished the last block in the Intertunnel's Sudoku. I've completed the HTML 5 equivalent of the London Sunday Times Crossword --in pen.

Post no bills. Keep your hands inside the basket, because if you don't they're going to get scorched where you're going for laughing at that. I didn't laugh. I wept. I gnashed my teeth, and I actually pronounced the G in gnash when I typed that. I type these aloud, you know. Of course you didn't know that, but I wrote, "You know," in that sentence anyway. I don't know why I did that. It doesn't matter. Will the last one out of the Intertunnel please get the lights?

You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. The end is nigh! Save yourselves, before it's too late. Maybe we can all get a Pinterest page and try to atone for our sins by posting nothing but pictures of artisanal cupcakes and shoes for the rest of our godforsaken lives, but this one is going to leave a mark. This is wronger than a fan dancer with an Adam's apple. It's wronger than a trailer hitch on a Renault LeCar. It's wronger than a Gilbert O'Sullivan tribute band.

It's over. It's not you, it's me. On second thought, it's you. It's always been you.

10 comments:

julie said...

I made it through about ten seconds before breaking out in horrified laughter. Oh. My.

This is what happens when Danny Elfman gets involved in public service announcements.

vanderleun said...

I hope Jesus can forgive you for that because I can't.

Leslie said...

I am with you, Gerard.

chasmatic said...

The Bonzo Dog Band is more entertaining than these folks.

drdave said...

The horror...the horror.

Johnny Glendale said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Johnny Glendale said...

I'm not leaving until there's a thrash-metal IBS band...

Sam L. said...

Perhaps if they did this as a Gregorian Chant? Something like Boynton's "Grunt" (Pigorian Chant).

Gagdad Bob said...

Really cries out to be interpreted by Johnny Rotten.

RonF said...

17 seconds, and then I had to stop. I couldn't control my hand, it clicked "Pause" all by itself. Reflex straight from the spinal cord, no brain activity involved at all.