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Sunday, February 09, 2014

I Want To Buy The Boston Red Sox


No, don't get me wrong; I don't want to own the Boston Red Sox. I don't even watch the games. I want to buy the Red Sox, and fix them.

I'll put the stadium back the way it was in 1966. A dreadful olive drab roofless warehouse with a hint of Stalin about it, with big troughs in the Men's Rooms to piss in. No luxury boxes, either. The only food they'd serve would be hot dogs that make the hot dogs at the Sunoco station look fresh. Then I'd make Barbara Dennerlein the organist. No more piped in rap songs when they call in closers with pot bellies and higher ERAs than IQs. And no riding on carts to the mound, either, like they were obese Walmart shoppers. Maybe donkeys. Make them ride little burros or something. They're getting Dennerlein, good and hard, the whole way, too. Lady of Spain...

It's my team, so I'm changing the uniforms from the crap they've got now to Swiss Guard oufits. They can wear the metal conquistador helmets when they bat, too. I'm gonna change the rules, and the batter has to run to second right away, right over the mound, and the pitcher has to tackle him if he can. And the ball has to be soaked in tar and set alight when the umpire yells: Play ball!

The umpires will have to dress like mothers-in-law -- you know, big muumuus, slippers, curlers in their hair -- and they won't call balls and strikes, just intone,"That's not where my son would have thrown it," if the ball's pitched outside. They'll make you wipe your feet before you cross home plate, too. Should yield some drama five feet up the baseline.

Dennerlein's gonna play the national anthem using only her left foot. So let it be written. So let it be done.

7 comments:

Gringo said...

Ah yes, the post-Ted and pre-Impossible Dream Sox. Eddie Bressoud, Bob Tillman, Gary Geiger, Carrol Hardy, Lu Clinton, Felix Mantilla. Not so good times. Reminds me of what was underneath a friend's picture in his high school yearbook: "Pet peeve: Watching those Red Sox lose."

leelu said...

I think tar would screw up the aerodynamics of the ball in flight. Also make it harder to throw. Which, judging from the rest of the post, may be the point.

Me, I'd go with gasoline or cigarette lighter fluid. Maybe even napalm.

But that's just me.

How's the house lifting coming along? My birthday IS next Saturday...

;-)

Casey Klahn said...

Nicely played.

Reminded me of Rollerball Madness for a minute, there.

tirane93 said...

i can almost hear you standing up on your tippy toes when you get this enthusiastic.

Cletus Socrates said...

What year?

Not Buddy Miles on the drums by any chance, is it?

Anonymous said...

I have to imagine that there aren't too many people who wear holes in the soles of their shoes, but she's prolly one of them.

Anonymous said...

Ah, crap. I missed my punch line.

...wear holes in the soles of their shoes, while seated...