Tuesday, January 01, 2013

2012: That Was The Year That Wasn't



I'm sorry, but The Onion isn't funny anymore.

Now, the Rumford Meteor -- that's funny right there. It's funny because it's real. All the news stories in the Meteor are from real newspapers, if you can call what passes for birdcage lining nowadays "real." The snippets are printed verbatim, with links to the whole story in all the local newspapers in Maine. The only thing changed is the headline. Let's see The Onion try that.

But then again, just living in Maine is like cheating for humor. I live here, and I'm still not sure Maine is really real. The temperatures here have a hyphen or a dash or a minus sign or something in front of them half the time. The economy is based on tourism, but everyone that lives here calls all the tourists Massholes under their breath. The radio stations play country music for some reason, even though the Arctic Circle is a lot closer than the Mason-Dixon line. Every room in every house in Maine has a ceiling fan in it, even though you can see your breath indoors from Labor Day until Memorial Day. People cook baked beans in a hole in the ground for two days and then eat them, and claim they like it. The place doesn't make a lick of sense.

My friend Aubuchon Connery, the editor, publisher, stringer, photographer, archivist, typesetter, and  pixel adjuster of the Rumford Meteor, sent along the Top 100 News Stories of 2012, and asked me to publish it, in case his press is frozen solid again until late April. I was glad to oblige;  my wife chipped his good gutting ax while cleaning a chicken breast on the counter again, and I owe him one.
  .  
 The Rumford Meteor's Top 100 News Stories of 2012

 January:

Old Town Police Run Up The Score By Simply Arresting Every Other Person In The Trailer Park
 
I Am A Lineman For The County. And We Have To Use Cones. So I'm Fighting With Policemen In The Gully By The Road
 
NBC Considering New Series: Suicidal Unfrozen Caveman Topless Coffee Shop Arson Witness In Hospital Scrubs On Bath Salts Robber 
 
Governor Certain He’s Responsible For Creating That Guy Whatshisname’s Job Making That Thing There
 
Agency Warns Mainers About “Work At Home” Schemes. “Not Working At Home Or Anywhere Else” Schemes Still OK
 
Telstar Students Shocked, Disoriented By Cache Of Musical Devices That Never Sent Steve Jobs 99 Cents
 

What Kind Of Jerk Would Publish A Faux Newspaper With Disrespectful Lampooning Of Local News Stories? 
 
Maine Olympic Snowboarder Injured, May Require Hipster Replacement
 
Mexico Fire Department's 'Save The Electric Meter Socket' Strategy Works Like A Charm
 
Police Seeking Two Men Who Started A Fire In Maine In January Say They Have 649,484 Suspects
 
February: 

Buckfield High Students Interested In Anything Else
 
Energy Efficiency Experts Visit Freezing Couple’s Home To Make Sure They Don’t Have Any Waste Heat From Incandescent Light Bulbs
 
Innovative Ellsworth Valentine Program Coaches Local Men To Wash Their Pits On February 13th
 

County Woman Beginning To Suspect Her Husband’s Chainsaw Collection Is Just A Bunch Of Chainsaws He Bought
 
Americans’ New Retirement Plan Is A Bed With A Lid
 

I’m A Bereaver
 
March: 

Students Spend 90 Percent Of Class Time Looking At Porn And Playing Games On Their School Laptops. The Other 10 Percent Doesn’t Exist, They Can’t Add, Either
 

Governor Makes Maine More Business-Friendly With A New Stack Of Forms 
 
Now They Know How Many Bombs It Takes To Clear The Aubert Hall. I'd Love To Turn You On
 
Wales Farmer Saddened By The Unsustainability Of Sustainable Farming
 
Mainers Celebrate Franco-American Day By Eating Dinner At 4:15 And Leaving A Seven Percent Tip
 
Actress With Maine Roots, Gray Roots On NBC Tonight
 
$640 Million Jackpot Has Lottery Buyers Dreaming Of How Many Lottery Tickets $640 Million Would Buy
 
April: 

Health Food Cafeteria Goes Out Of Business, Naturally
 
Emergency Readiness A Priority In Sumner, Maine, Pop. 854. Procedures Include Opening The Window And Yelling Over To The Bouchard’s Place
 
Royal Wedding Showed That Wearing Elaborate Hats Can Distract Other Women From Commenting On Your Horse Face And Tree Trunk Legs For A Few Minutes
 

Bangor Casino Running Out Of Bleary-Eyed Men In Members Only Jackets Clutching Next Month’s Rent
 
Nothing Says Quality Public Education Like Low Lights, Soft Music, And A Liver-Spotted Man-Hand Rubdown 
 
Totally Unsocialized Homeschool Weirdo Doesn’t Know Where To Buy Bath Salts Or Pot, Has 242 Year-Old Boyfriend
 



Bucksport High A Leader At Making Lip Dubs, Ensuring Students Are Ready For The Lucrative Lip Dub Industry After Graduation
 
Eighth-Grade Girl Joins Legions Of Women Worried About Plastic In The Environment Until They Want Two Pounds Of It Inserted In Their Chest
 
Santa Monica Mortuary Confused By Request To Embalm Dick Clark Again
 
Protesters Who Attended Second-Rate College Would Like People Who Only Finished Second-Rate High School To Pay Their Loans
 

Innovative Cooking Class Using Local Ingredients Has Excited Participants Dreaming Of Eating Four Months A Year
 
Local Public Grammar School Students Wish They Knew How To Read The Signs Mom Made Them Hold
 
May: 

Local Student Wonders When Machinist School Will Get Around To Exploring Sustainable Transgender Anarcho-Socialist Free-Range Machining
 
Organic Farmers Know That Consumers Don’t Mind A Little Listeria As Long As They Get It From Farmers Who Care
 
27 Percent Of Maine Teachers Haven't Been Accused Of Anything Yet
 
Bangor Faithful Gather To Pray For More Plaid Flannel Shirts
 
Local Legislators Suffering From Post-Traumatic Sex Syndrome. Somebody Done Hoodooed The du Houx Man
 
Milford Authorities Considering Ten-Day Waiting Period For Trailer Home Purchases To Cut Down On Violence
 
Midcoast Maine Economy Hoping For Boost From Wiping Both Ends Of Baby Boomers Until They Croak
 
June: 


Lewiston Public School Nutrition Director Says Kids Really Like Drinking Diet Chocolate Milk While Glaring At The Salad Bar
 
Governor LePage Will Mark 500 Days Into His Term With A Booklet Touting His Accomplishments If The Girl Can Get The Mimeograph Goin’

Police Shoot Naked Man Eating Another Naked Man’s Face When He Refuses To Stop And Read A Pamphlet Urging Him To Switch To Lean Protein, Whole Grains, Fruits, And Lo-Fat Dairy

 
Cranky Old Mainer Reviews Video Cassette Of Dave He Found At The Dump. It’s About Dave
 
Energy Science Education Touts Such Cutting-Edge Subjects As Fermenting Things, Windmills, And Window Glass. No Word On Alchemy, Miasmas, Phlogiston
 
Assistant US Secretary Of Commerce For Import Administration Tours New Balance, Wears Safety Glasses In Case There’s A Massive Shoelace Explosion
 
Five Candidates Vie For Chance To Collect Taxes From Rumford’s Four Remaining Taxpayers
 
Cape Elizabeth Librarian Wins Award For Excellence In Hiding The Ayn Rand Books
 
Bristol Begins “Pre-K” Education, Mulling Over Pre-Pre-K, Considering Having Obstetricians Yell Phonics Up There Between Contractions
 
EPA Touts The Health Benefits Of Shivering In The Dark While Unemployed
 
Local Mothers Want The Parts Of A Magazine Article They Can Remember Put Into The Constitution
 
July: 



Bowdoin Student Crusading To Ensure Maine’s Starving Families Have Unfettered Access To Leeks
 
Man Currently In Charge Of The Maine Department Of Revenue Says The Internal Revenue Service Is The Gestapo
 
Education Commissioner Certain That Shoveling More Millions Over The Festering Corpse Of Steve Jobs Will Fix The Schools
 
New Survey Indicates Women Earn Less Because They Answer Surveys All The Time Instead Of Working
 
Norway Residents Weigh In On What Sort Of Funky-Cool Downtown Shops They’d Prefer To Drive Right Past On Their Way To The Auburn Wal-Mart

Olympic Head Hopes Athletes Inspire A Generation Of Young People To Work For No Pay And Meekly Pee Into A Cup When Ordered To Do So

 
Saco Man Considering Donating Huge Collection Of Books He Purchased At Library Book Sales To A Library Or Something

August:
 
Gore Vidal Dies Alone, Still Clutching The Phone After Spending 14 Months On Hold Waiting To Reserve A Table At Elaine’s
 
$756,000 Math Error Found In Westbrook School Department Budget. If Only There Was Some Sort Of School Where Residents Could Go To Learn To Add And Subtract
 
Kenyan Runners Huddle At Cape Elizabeth 10K Finish Line And Decide To Act Winded Until The Wazungu Show Up
 
Thank Goodness George Bush Isn’t President Anymore, Or We’d Have To Pay Attention To All These Dead Soldiers
 
24 Little Girls, And One Very Confused Local Machinist Yelling RON PAUL! Over And Over, Attend Tea Party Event In Mexico
 
Senator Collins’ New Husband Going To Lobby The Hell Out Of Her Until She Screams Cloture
 
Waldoboro Fire Department’s Save The Basement Strategy Would Have Worked If Mobile Homes Had Basements
 
September: 

Statistics Show That If Your Wife Agreed To Stay Pregnant For 18 Months, She’d Have Two Babies
 
Local Grandmother Says That Circle Solay Girl Wears Too Much Makeup
 
Lewiston Mayor Suggests Somali Immigrants Should Only Open Non-Prophet Businesses
 
New Westbrook Art Gallery’s Renovation Expected To Take Until 2017 Because The Owner’s Brushes Are So Small
 
New Study From Brown University Confirms That All White People Are Identical
 
Psychic Crime Fighter Says He Knows What Others Might Be Thinking, Which Seems Unlikely Because He’s Wearing Jorts
 
Local Woman On Paxil, Elavil, Cymbalta, Ambien, Ortho-Novum, And Ritalin Says She’ll Continue To Buy Organic Food Because The Other Kind Is Full Of Chemicals
 
October: 

High School Teacher Takes Students To Dairy Farm To See Where The Whole Milk They’re Not Allowed To Drink In School Comes From
 
‘David Geffen Drops Anchor Off Bar Harbor.’ I Don’t Get Out Much, So I Have No Idea If That’s A Euphemism
 
Dog In Workplace Wonders Why His Human Doesn’t Weep Alone Into A Tub Of Ice Cream While Looking At Her Screen Like At Home
 
Bullying Victim Signals She’s Ready To Begin Her Life Of Endless Praise Without Merit Now
 
West Paris Comic Book Magnate Has Invented Facesterbayuffingtonahoosoftunestubepressipedia, But Can’t Fit Enough Servers In His Van Down By The River To Handle Its Potential
 
Woolwich Solar Panel Devotee Showcases Computer That Allows Him To Estimate If Can Make Toast Before The Sun Goes Down
 
Portland Neo-Burlesque Show Reminds Man In Front Row That It’s Almost Time To Put Out Suet For The Birds
 
High School Computer Repair Wizards Say Your Computer Is Definately So Broken, And All Gayed Up With Viruses And Stuff, So Have Your Mom Buy You A New One. Duh!
 
Youngsters At Livermore Falls Daycare Report The New Lump Of Plastic In The Parking Lot Doesn’t Have That Many Wasps In It Yet
 

November: 

Town Council Desperately Tries To Explain The Arithmetic For A New School To Citizens Educated In The Current One
 
Wiscasset Ladies Organ Society Gets Together And Wishes More Of Their Organs Worked
 
Maine Forest Rangers Return From Hurricane Sandy Relief After Helpfully Showing Staten Islanders How To Gut A Moose
 
Two Dozen Students Offer To Eat School’s 37-Year-Old Twinkie Experiment Instead Of The New “Healthy” School Lunches
 
Cape Elizabeth Land Trust Purchases 60 More Acres Of Nothing And Nobody, Nowhere, With Trees On It, Because Maine’s About To Run Out Of That
 


BUT. I. LOVE. HIM. SO. MUCH.
 
Financial Planning Experts Say Mega-Lottery Winners Aren’t Financially Savvy Enough To Pour Their Payouts Into Facebook Stock At $38 A Share
 
December: 

Murals Deemed Too Flammable For Hospital Given To Wilton Schools. That Burn Unit Wasn’t Going To Fill Itself, You Know
 
Stunned Kansas City Fans Beginning To Suspect Chiefs Linebacker Didn’t Really Give A Shit About Breast Cancer, Either
 
Even Though We Have A ‘Dormitory Student’ President Now, Having ‘Dormitory Students’ On Your Basketball Team Is Considered Cheating In Maine
 
Rockland Area School Superintendent Says Truancy Is At Epidemic Levels, Or It’s Saturday And He Forgot
 
Long-Time Head Of Maine Organic Farmers Association Dies At 56, Serene In The Knowledge He Would Have Died At 55 If He Used Pesticides
 
You Could Tell Santa’s Helper In The UU Church Pageant Was A Drag Queen Because He’s The Only Person In Western Maine That Looks Even Vaguely Feminine
 
||||IIIII||IIIIIII||||||||||IIIIIII||||||I||I||||
 
Vegetarian Doctor Touts The Health Benefits Of Having An Adam’s Apple Like A Third Elbow
 
Asperger Moms Assure The Public There’s Only Something Different About Their Children When It’s Convenient
 
Tom Brady Pissed He Has To Get On A Plane And Go Beat Some Sort Of Football Team They’ve Got In Jacksonburg, Alabama Or Somewhere


4 comments:

Glynn said...

This is a book, that's what this is.

Happy New Year, Greg.

SippicanCottage said...

Hi Glynn- Happy New Year to you and yours.

Sam L. said...

Whoever it is who writes the headlines is some kind of crazed genius. My 2 cents sez it's you, Mr. Sippi; Got 3 cents sayin' it's voices in your head. Got 5 cents sayin' you oughta listen to 'em more than you do, if that's what they are.

You be well this year, your family too, and stay away from that Assistant Village Idiot, who might try to "cure" you.

Leslie said...

You are so funny. You just are. Happy New Year, Greg.