Monday, May 07, 2012

Ancient Posts People Are Reading For Some Reason, Volume XII

From 2008: How To Blog. Lesson One: There Is No Lesson Two

Unsubstantiated rumor. Epithet hurled at people who mildly disagree with you. Specious argument. Disregard for manners. Balogna. Baloney.

Now insert cut-and-paste research to bolster crabby worldview cadged from monomaniac manipulators, if plain fibbing is unavailable. Charts are best:

Remember, hyperlinks to pointless unedited text are great, but really long strings of URL gibberish that make reader's browser display funny because they run off the page are always better. When in doubt, it's best to just paste thousands of words in one big undifferentiated paragraph right in there like a texty skyscraper of unanswerable intellectual doom. Otherwise no one might read it.

Possessive it's. Possessive it's. Possessive it's.
Contraction for it is: its.


Point out spelling is for loosers, you spelling Nazi! I learned critical thinking at Community College! All you can do is spell.

Big bowl of que cue and queue in a mixed salad with bile.

Pie Chart!

Just yell Strawman! over and over. Not sure why.

I hate hate. I hate the hating haters who don't hate hate like me. Kill the hating haters! Sterilize the hating haters, then kill them and desecrate their graves and dig them up and hate them for hating like that.

One word for you: Hitler!

There are too many people. Something something Darwin. Something something border fence. Al Gore is fat. Rush Limbaugh is fat.

Apocalypse now. Apocalypse then.

You drink the Kool-Ade. I drink from the fountain of truth and wisdom. And Mountain Dew and Red Bull.

Don't forget: Drop dead! is way too generous a sentiment for anyone you don't like. They must perish in a conflagration.

Picture of cat, with non-sequitur slogan rendered in mangled syntax, spelling, and in an unattractive font.
Ascribe superpowers and imbecility to the same public personage for the same action. Point out that you're forced to take Paxil, Prozac, Valium, Xanax, Ativan, Effexor, Zoloft, Zyprexa, Seroquel, Strattera, Ritalin, and Adderall because everybody else is so crazy and neurotic. Then fire up an enormous medical cheeba blunt to calm down.

***Place quote from "The Big Lebowski" here where quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson used to go***

Remind everyone of your threat to move to Canada if the political Zeitgeist doesn't shape up. Divide yourselves equally between people who will flee to Canada because it's full of pacifist diversity-minded hippies, or because you're going to get a job in the 1890s style oil boom economy where people go to the saloon after work with a six shooter on their belt. Never leave your cubicle or your couch, though.

For no particular reason, and with no particular point in mind, finish up the whole thing with:



julie said...

I think you've just summed up 90% of all blog posts, especially as we get closer to election day.

"Strawman!" Seems to be a particular favorite these days. Sometimes, I think people take your advice - sorry, "you're" - a little too well...

vanderleun said...

Thank you. I needed that. I needed to be reminded how much I hate hating the hate that I hate for you... and your little dog if you had one. Get one!

Jonathan Cook said...


mkfreeberg said...

Missing "Eye blayme boosh" and "I sometimes comment on blogs, so I'm really getting a kick out of these replies..."

Buddy Larsen said...

Apostrophe's? Why bother, its to complicated. My writings fine characteristics or detail's marginal utilitys anyweigh.

SippicanCottage said...

Gerard's just mad because I dropped a house on his sister.

Do I love Buddy Larsen? Why yes, I believe I do.

Sam L. said...

Hey, vanderloon, I got a blender for your puppy. Heh.

Joan of Argghh! said...

And 5% of them are "buy my book,dammit!"

The other 5% are health woes, close calls and job drama.


Retriever said...

Thanks, a good spring tonic. You forgot the rosy tinted retrospectives about the blogger's youth when WE WORKED FOR A LIVING, and kids were respectful, and porn was a magazine boys hid from their mothers under the mattress.... Also the standard venting trash-the-neighbors/my city that curmudgeonly and impoverished bloggers have to do periodically when the cute girl in Starbucks disses them for the hot young investment banker standing up with a really expensive drink instead of a cheap coffee of the day nursed an hour for the free wifi...