My advice to aspiring entertainers has always been pretty straightforward: Give any audience a compelling reason to pay attention to you. It's really just that simple. A trainwreck is as good as a Traviata in this respect. Cut a fart and stick out your hand and say ta-daa. But don't just stand there.
If all else fails, you can always buy one of those pianos with emphysema, and a plus-size bustier.
Those Darn Accordions
(Thanks to that deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Vanderleun, for sending that along)