Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Read The Meteor, Or You Won't Know What It Says

It's that time of year again. The time of year between January and January when I try to pass off dusty old writing as fresh one more time. Seeing as this is the Intertunnel, I have to add a Top Ten List, too. It's like a law.

But recycling isn't enough. I need to kill at least three birds with one stone if I'm going to get a half-day off on Christmas. So since our friend Aubuchon Connery, the general factotum over to the Rumford Meteor,  has asked me to help him catapult his "News straight from the seat of Oxford County" up into the rarified air of the greater World Wide Web -- where it can explode into many interesting colors, or something -- I figure I'll recycle his stuff and knock off early. Western Maine needs the publicity in any case. If it wasn't for the paper mill, no one downwind would even know we were here.

Actually, I think Aubuchon is angling to get Clint Locke Muskie, a local swell that runs an extravagant quarter-page ad for his fill dirt, artisanal cupcake, coal hod fabrication, storm door, and amateur podiatry business in the Lewiston Sun-Urinal (every week! A one-percenter fer sure!), to give the Meteor a try instead. Aubuchon says if he gets a guy like that on account, he can get his ice auger professionally sharpened twice a year and not give a second thought to the expense.

So here's double duty, Rumfid style. The TOP TEN HEADLINES OF 2011 from The Rumford Meteor: Please disregard the fact that there are twenty five items in my top ten list. It's a habit I got into in the ten-items-or-less checkout lane when I'm buying booze at the Mexico Walmart, and I can't help myself anymore.

The Straight Dope says of the The Rumford Meteor: "It's like Lake Wobegon. On Crack."  They're obviously "from away." We're all on Bath Salts around here.

The Rumford Meteor


Thud said...

Classics....all of them.

Andy said...

I hope there wasn't a hobbit anywhere in that list.

Leslie said...

I was hoping the rhyme for two-holer was in the story....

Brandoch Daha said...

We just went to your Meteor and LOLed like retards. Thanks.

We went through Rumford this year for some reason. Maybe heading to the Canoe Symposium (really). Dunno. But we stopped and enjoyed the waterfall quite a bit. IIRC got reece's pieces across the street. Helluva town! Maybe I've got it mixed up with another one.

SippicanCottage said...

Hello B D - Thanks for reading and commenting. The waterfall is indeed in Rumford. I live at the top of the hill next to it.

I waved as you drove by, but I'm not sure you saw me.

SamArtDog said...

Not counting the memory of the stench we couldn't keep out of the cah no matter how damn fast we roared through Rumfit on our way up to Carrabatshit, I'd be homesick. The Meatier says it all.

SippicanCottage said...


We call the mill "Sauron's Place."