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Friday, September 24, 2010

The World Is Being Pulled Through The Heavens By A Soul Train, And This Guy Was The Locomotive AND The Conductor

There was a time.

Tickets, please.




Hello, and welcome aboard. Please note important safety features for this vehicle, the James Brown Pan-Galactic Low-rider VistaCruiser.

There are no exits aboard this conveyance but one. None towards the front on either side, none before the wings on either side, none over the wings on either side, none behind the wings on either side, none at the rear of the freight train on either side and even fewer in the center of the upper deck on either side. We have done away with these exits because there is no salvation but one, which is directly through the middle of the stage. Please pay close attention to the guardian of this exit, as he's so high, you can't get over him; so low, you can't get under him; and so wide, you can't get around him. Don't worry; each of the other performers has a safety slide dance step that will automatically deploy when The GFOS lamp is lit, and begins to smoke.

We recommend that you count how many seats you are away from this exit, as it will help you to determine just how cool you are. The first four rows should don your radiation suits and put on your sunglasses. In the rare case of an emergency there are lights on the outsides of the aisles to help you find a place to dance; also there are flashing lights and horn flourishes to signal the danger of an upcoming blast of turbulence. In the rare event of a loss of cabin pressure James Brown will drop down from the overhead compartment. Cup your hands over your mouth area like the flight attendant is doing now and yell please, please, please if you feel breathless.

Please ensure your high heel sneakers are secured and Sippican Cottage recommends that you have your seat in your pants and your feet on the floor throughout the flight. There are also single-breasted double-vented sharkskin life jackets and spanish heeled shoes under your seats in case of an emcee emergency.

We thank you for flying James Brown today. We hope you enjoy your flight. Now get up offa that thing, and dance 'til you feel betta.

3 comments:

Gagdad Bob said...

I found myself worried about the repeated violent collisions of stage floor and testicles. But I guess things turned out okay, since he had nine children.

There's really nothing else you can say except that this is what happens when you let a Man come in and do the popcorn.

Sam L. said...

#1--Someone invented perpetual motion, and his name was James Brown.

#2--SC, you have an ability to tap something amazing, and then tap it out on a keyboard.

#3--And that's why I keep coming back.

Hunt Johnsen said...

Somehow, growing up in Hawaii and doing the hippie-homestead thing in the woods of the Big Island, I missed James Brown completely. Thank you for this, it blew my mind!