Ancient Airs and Dances by Ottorino Respighi is the cure for everything. If you have any infirmities, deficiencies, maladies, or deformities, apply a poultice of this indiscreetly to the ear at discrete intervals.
It will make you taller. It will make you darker. It will make you handsomer. It will call you a hansom cab. It will whisper to you like a lover. It will pay your lawyer. It will put toilet paper in the shrubs of your enemies. It is a bank error in your favor.
It will make four hours at the lathe with a bad foot a trip to the confectioner's.