Sunday, August 30, 2009

The Cure For Everything

Ancient Airs and Dances by Ottorino Respighi is the cure for everything. If you have any infirmities, deficiencies, maladies, or deformities, apply a poultice of this indiscreetly to the ear at discrete intervals.

It will make you taller. It will make you darker. It will make you handsomer. It will call you a hansom cab. It will whisper to you like a lover. It will pay your lawyer. It will put toilet paper in the shrubs of your enemies. It is a bank error in your favor.

It will make four hours at the lathe with a bad foot a trip to the confectioner's.


Ricky Raccoon said...

There has to be a catch.
Has to be.

SippicanCottage said...

I assure you there's no catch. There is, however, some fine print:

*No purchase necessary. Some assembly required. Tax, title, license and dealer fees extra. Do not exceed 4 doses in a 24-hour period. You will get wet on this ride. One size fits most. Batteries not included. The white zone is for the immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no parking in the red zone. Dramatization. Proof of mailing does not constitute proof of delivery. Shake well before opening. Contains eggs. Also available left-handed. Before posting, please take a minute to review our posting rules and our legal/privacy policy. All lyrics by Hammerstein, not Rodgers. Hours may vary by location. No smoking or open flames. Professional driver. Closed course. Any similarities between the characters, locations or events depicted herein and actual persons, living or dead, locations or events is purely coincidental and unintentional. Use as directed. Must be 18 to enter. Positive identification required. Handle with care. Do not pass on right. Not responsible for lost or stolen articles. User assumes all risks. No right turn on red. If you can read this, you're too close. Ass, grass, or cash; no one rides for free. Occupancy by more than 135 persons is dangerous and unlawful but kinda fun. Interior is genuine rich, Corinthian leather. Viewer discretion is advised but not anticipated. Not available in stores. Do not feed the animals. Available for Windows, Mac, and the seven people running Linux. 70% cotton, 30% nylon. Nos falamos Portugues. Please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery. The cake is a lie. Limit one per customer per visit. No trespassing. No loitering. No soliciting. Please don't eat the daisies. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear. Ensure equipment is properly grounded prior to operation. Registration required. Not recommended for women who are nursing, pregnant or may become pregnant. Ladies drink free. Apply directly to forehead. Closed Sundays and holidays. Filmed before a live studio audience. Available only for a limited time. Follow the yellow brick road. Lights on for safety. Made in China. Do not use as a flotation device. Stay off the grass. Offer void where prohibited. Installation extra. The rain in Spain should be expected to fall mainly on the plain. All sales final. Two-Year service agreement required. Non-toxic. HTML enabled. Don't try this at home. Your ad here. Tamper-resistant packaging. Expect delays. Refrigerate after opening. Restrictions apply. See store for details. No shirt, no shoes, no service. Have a nice day.

Ricky Raccoon said...

Will it hurt, Doc?

Which reminds me, watch out for falling carpal tunnel syndrome.

Awe heck, who'm I kiddin. I'm in.

(This was a riot (watch out for riots) but you really had me at "nos falamos". *wink*

Gagdad Bob said...

Excuse me, but was it manufactured on equipment that processes peanuts, tree nuts, or sesame seeds?

SippicanCottage said...

Bob- Nah, you know me. I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.

David St Lawrence said...

Ancient Airs and Dances is one of the best musical accompaniments for painstaking design and detail work in a workshop.

Nothing else seems to work as well, but I am looking for some Vivaldi selections with similar powers.

On the other hand, for packing finished products and cleaning up the shop, Steve Winwood's "Roll With It" is hard to beat.

Your mileage may vary.

Joan said...

I still remember the first time I heard this Respighi more than 20 years ago at the BSO. It's everything you say it is, and it's far too long since I have heard it.