Thursday, July 30, 2009

Round Of Golf Fails To Cure Crohn's Disease. Again

Rockbottom, Massachusetts:

Area man Josh Mulders reports that the four-man charity scramble he attended on Thursday of this week at The StoneLedge Links of the Pine Point Country Club at Tall Oaks Gated Preserve Community failed to eradicate Crohn's Disease for the second straight year. Mr. Mulders reports that in addition to failing to find a cure for "some sort of disease or something," the tournament failed to meet many other expectations of the participants. "This place sucks, and the open bar only has well drinks," he said.

"I thought it would be like a day off, without wasting a perfectly good sickday to play golf," Ted Sandringham, another local Springsbury participant reported, "but my supervisor kept calling me on my cell and asking me where I kept everything. And the golf dweebs are so uptight all the time they say they can hear my phone even when it's on vibrate."

Sandringham, the designated "fore-man" of his group, pushed a bit of Ziti Carbonara around his plate and added: "And the one time my wife called, she heard the drink cart broad talking dirty in the background to the young kid from shipping. That's two nights on the couch for me, easy, and I didn't even get a glass of water from the skank."

Another avid duffer and concerned citizen seated at the same table also reported: "The Porta-San near the tenth tee box is a horrorshow. I mean, really. Whoever that guy is, he should stay out of Taco Bell and the liquor store for a coupla days. Whoah. Who the hell goes out in public with your bowels in an uproar like that?"

Tournament officials were at a loss to explain how two successful outings in a row had failed to cure the disease, despite raising a total of almost $1100 for the Crohn's disease charity, after expenses. Food and beverage steward Alan Koop, when interviewed after the silent auction of Jerry Adair memorabilia, offered: "It's a shame that disease, the Chronin thing, is so tough. Everyone says they liked the scallops wrapped in bacon. It's a mystery, I guess."

Club President Geoff Malabar thinks the club might be trying to do too much. "We had Rides for Tots, Make-a-Wish, Breast Cancer, that goofy art place in the vinyl-sided defunct church, whatever they call it, all on the same day as the Clone disease thing. There's only so much we can do to solve all these problems, at least until the zoning board gets off the dime and lets us fill in that wetland for another nine holes."

Malabar was then interrupted by the sound of crashing dishes from the kitchen, and took a moment to smooth over the problem through the pass-through, in flawless Spanish, and then returned and warmed to his theme: "What with me comping four of the seven selectmen over and over, you'd think it'd be a done deal by now." Malabar seemed to muse for a moment at the staggering responsibility resting on his shoulders, and continued: "Hey is that a tape recorder? Are you from the paper or something?"

Perhaps overcome with emotion for Crohn's sufferers, Josh Mulders seemed to be fighting back tears near the soon-to-close open bar: "My boss kicked in $1500 on my sayso, because I told him it would be a good way to network for our business. But I just threw that out there to get a chance to play at a private club for a change. How the hell my boss thinks I'm gonna sell boiler circulator pumps on the back nine is beyond me," He said. "I am so fired on Monday."


Andy said...

A friend had a heart attack last year, and a bunch of us quickly organized a memorial golf tournament in his name. Cool embroidered golf shirts and everything. Then he survived, which the doctors initially assured his family he would not do.

We have decided to think of the whole thing as "kind of funny" instead of "nauseatingly morose."

NKVD said...

Only one thing to do - kill him.

Andy said...

We stopped short of that, but we did make him pay for his own shirt.

NKVD said...

Yeah, you plan was the better of the two...