Thursday, June 18, 2009

Sippican's Foray Into Taxonomy: The Remora Commenter

Luckily for ol' Sippican, these creatures do not infest my little grotto here. I look for no trouble, and brook none. Still, I recognize the species when I see it elsewhere. Here's a handy guide for my asstoot readers:


Geographic Range:
Common only in warmer parts of all opinion waters, as it cannot generate its own heat. Rarely seen inland; it congregates mainly along both Atlantic coasts. Europe is overrun with them, along with their implacable foes and fellow travelers, the Mussels (Unesco 1989).

The Remora Commenter is a pelagic heresy marine fish (Latin name: CARP CARP CARP) that is usually found in the warmer parts of most intellectual oceans clinging on to Typing Hammerheads, Alewifes, Flatheads, Barackudas, Largemouths, Forehead Brooders, California Smoothtongues, Goldfish (Along with their other devoted parasites, the Gold Bugs) Clownfish, Groupers, Sarcastic Fringeheads, Snipe Eels, Cookie Cutter Sharks, Gibberfish, Four-Eyed Fishes, Electric Stargazers, and Hagfish. They are occasionally seen with Grey Mullets (and large belt buckles). They are likewise prone to be seen with European Chubs, or conversely, like to feed on European Flounder. Often spotted with Walleyes when they venture close to the surface from their lairs. (Marshall 1965).

Physical Description:
Remora Commenters are short, thick-set sucking fish. (Marshall 1965) The Remora has 10 long, slender gillrakers, (also called typing appendages) 21-27 dorsal fin rays, and between 1200-24,000 anal fin rays, depending upon the amount of ivy present at its secondary nursery site, also called a "college". It is rudderless, and must be steered to its prey by sentient beings, like Cardcarius Soros or Cardcarius Limbaugh. (Unesco 1989).

The dorsal fin lacks spines (Nelson 1984). The Remora has no swim bladder, but its other bladder can hold ten cans of Red Bull or 6 cans of Jolt Cola, and so uses a sucking disc on the front of its head to obtain rides from other, more accomplished ocean-going animals. The Remora is born puny and does not grow. (Marshall 1965).

Some key physical features:
Strangely, bilateral symmetry is not present. All features are to the left or to the right of center axis. Swims in circles if not attached to competent being.

Near nothing is known about the Remora Commenter's breeding habits or larval development. It returns and lurks in its mother's grotto regularly to spawn in a poorly understood and seldom seen ritual involving Internet pornography, sweatsocks, and Pringles. (McClane 1998). They are hermaphroditic, and sometimes morph without mating into Parrotfish.

Economic Importance for Humans:
No known positive impacts.

Well, maybe the occasional CafePress T-shirt sale.

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