Thursday, August 30, 2007

The Future's So Shady... No, That's Not It.

[Editor's Note: I ran this over a year ago. It's fun to go back and look at what you've written and see if you were full of it then, or if you're full of it now. I'm pleasantly surprised that I don't regret a word of this. Things are better now than they've ever been. Here's a list to prove it.]
{Author's note: There is no editor}

OK yesterday we defamed the elderly. It don't matter; they've barely learned to use the telephone, and I doubt any of them are ever going to be reading teh intarnets, no matter how big they make teh intarnet pipes. So let's get back to where we started. If you're not a stick in the mud, technology can improve your life immensely.

As I am the foremost authority on myself, I can assure you in my case that's absolutely true. That might seem odd at first blush.

I make reproduction antique furniture. Talk about a stick in the mud. Well, go to IKEA if you want to buy Jetsons furniture made out of wooden shredded wheat and formaldehyde glue, swathed in woodgrained wrapping paper. I'm not interested. And I'm not interested because "modern" furniture is an old idea. It's just as dated as any Shaker table is. It's the method of making it and selling it that's new, and I put IKEA in the shade on that score.
So I'm a thoroughly modern mill- man, trust me. So what exactly makes my day so modern, in the true sense of the word, and how is it different than it was just twenty-five years ago? I'm glad you asked:

1. I can get really good coffee anywhere, including in my house.
This is totally overlooked. Good coffee was really hard to find 25 years ago. Home brewed was boiled, generally -a terrible way to make coffee. And your average diner had coffee from the tenth century in that pot. I've got a German coffemaker that cost $16.99 and makes sublime java, or I can drive four miles in any direction and get really good joe. I do.
2. I can live where I want.
Everybody told me I was crazy to move where I live now. They said I was too far away from everything. My house has appreciated 539% since I built it 13 years ago. Yeah, I'm a dope. You don't have to live in a crummy apartment next to your job in a big factory chugging smoke if you don't want to anymore.
3. My house is comfortable
Hot water always comes out of the shower head. It 's warm in the winter and cool in the summer. It's dry in the basement.The furniture's not bad in here either. I ride when I mow the lawn. My children have their own rooms. These were magical dreams when I was a kid.
4. I'm alive.
I've been brought back from near dead a couple of times. Twenty five years ago, they would have given me aspirin and last rites.
5. I don't have to drive anywhere.
Look, I'm sympathetic if you're a road warrior. I've been there myself. But I never drive anywhere now. It's possible now. Even bank robbers can stay home and steal on the internet.
6. I make money at home by writing.
This one kills me. I tap out some text, which is visible in a little window on a screen, and occasionally get an attaboy or WTF from an editor that I have never met, and money is deposited directly into my bank account. This is the equivalent of alchemy circa 1975.
7. People find me even though I simply exist.
I invented guerilla marketing. I was the king of "copier art" word of mouth, free publicity, you name it. Now I simply exist on the internet, and people looking for what I have to sell find me and buy things. I think I've spent about $125.00 on advertising in the last three years. The internet is making willing buyer/willing seller come true in spades.
8. I have really good equipment from all over the world.
I've bought really good equipment and materials from all over the world and had it delivered to me here and never met the people I bought it from. I remember how hard it was just to get a 1x12 piece of pine after four in the afternoon on a weekday, and forget weekends. Now I can buy a 600 pound cast iron table saw made in Taiwan and sold through a company in Washington state, 2500 miles from me, at 2 AM on Sunday and have it delivered in less a week. I know this is the case, because I did exactly that. And Home Depot is open on Christmas.
9. I have access to really good information
Of all kinds too. Maps, directions, weather, pricing, comparative shopping, the internet is an astounding treasure trove of information.
10.You're reading this, ain't you?
I really can't say enough about this mode of expression. They didn't even teach men to type when I went to high school.
11.My packages get where they're going.
I was a shipping clerk for a little while 25 years ago. Shipping used to be as reliable as lottery scratch tickets. Now everything gets there right away, and you can track it all the way there.
12.I know how much things cost.
How does a saleman get paid? It used to be that salesman got money by knowing what a customer didn't, and taking advantage of that situation. Good luck trying that now, with this screen and Firefox in front of me. A saleman is in customer service now, or he's fired. Unless you're a car salesman. Then you're still evil.
13.I can be contacted at all times.
When I entered the construction trades, the idea of a phone on the job was science fiction. We all met before the sun came up in a dingy construction office and tried to predict everything that would happen all day to everybody and fix it before it happened. Yeah, that'll work. My life has been immeasurably ennobled by the cellular phone and e-mail. I f your job is miserable because of those two marvels you've got a bad job. Quit now.
14.I can make financial transactions on the web.
I go to banks to sign mortgages. I go to the Post Office...Never mind, I never go to the Post Office.
15.I have access to money easily.
People in the real world think easy credit is a snare to catch you. I've built empires on unsecured loans. All you have to do is always pay them back. People like me used to be trapped in laboring, or preyed upon by loan sharks, because regular banks wouldn't touch us. Now they beg me to borrow money. I don't need any today, because I could get my hands on it when opportunity knocked.
16.I have digital photography

It's hard to exaggerate its usefulness. I sent a picture of the exact item purchased to a customer, with a picture of it inside its crate with one side open, to show a customer what's inside and how to unpack it. He purchased it because he saw a digital photo of the last one.
17.I have a big truck.
I never go anywhere, but when I do, I can carry an enormous amount of stuff, safely and comfortably. The very idea of air-conditioning in a work truck boggles my mind still. Is that an FM radio?!!
18.I am not isolated from society.
I reiterate: you're reading this, ain't you? I have friends I've never met, all over the world. A note in a bottle, or waiting for my Nobel Prize ceremony was my only hope of meeting such persons before.
19.I can fly.
When I was a young teenager, my father took me to Boston's Logan airport, who was running a sort of tour where the children of the great unwashed (that's me) could get a chance to ride on an airplane. We took off, circled Boston twice, and landed. I thought at the time that was going to be my only chance to fly in my life. Thirty years later I was flying twice a week to a remote office for my last regular job. I used to get home in time for goodnight stories for my kids. My father worked in Boston when I was a kid, commuting only 35 miles from our house, and I almost never saw him at the dinner table.
20.This box makes me smarter than I am.
That's not that difficult, but the computer and the internet is the greatest cheat sheet in the history of mankind.

There you have it. It's always "the future" right now, and it's so bright... well, I told that joke already. I must be getting old, I'm repeating myself.


Anonymous said...

Ouch, hit right in the IKEA!! Let me stipulate that I do not particularly like buying IKEA furniture, but I do it because it's what we can afford to buy when we need a big batch of furniture at once, like three big pieces or more. Sigh.

Someday, like I said. :)

Anonymous said...

Loved the rest of it, of course, btw.

J.C. Loophole said...

Here, here. Or there, there if you prefer. I agree- technology is very useful and wonderful. I look at all of the "enviro-crowd" and "doomsday is here, unless we give up our toilet paper" crowd and shake my head. I think if you put our advances in front of a caveman and the "enviro-crowd"s lifestyle in front of him- he'd be driving a SUV in no time and ordering chicken at the drive thru. I read a lot of historical accounts and texts. I have yet to find many "average-Joe" letters that extol the virtues of technology of their yesteryear. Virtues, maybe- leaves and twigs- no so much.

SippicanCottage said...

Anwyn is hereby given a special dispensation regarding IKEA furniture.

All others will be flogged.

Larry Sheldon said...

I do have one question about: "OK yesterday we defamed the elderly. It don't matter; they've barely learned to use the telephone, and I doubt any of them are ever going to be reading teh intarnets, no matter how big they make teh intarnet pipes."

I have been using electronic aids to communication (never found one that was any help with people who _will_ not see or hear) since before there was an Internet (since a time when communications networks were pretty much a paper construct with some exceptions like Don Lee, Dumont, and Blue).

Please define "elderly".

At three score and eight I can not relate to the term.

And the captcha "bixsceso" looks like a spammer's attempt to get you a PG rating.

SippicanCottage said...

Hi Larry- Since the item was first run a year ago, the context of that joke was lost.

In response to your query, anyone a year older than me is old, anyone an inch taller than me is tall, anyone even minutely better looking than me is an Adonis.

And everyone visible through my windshield is a slowpoke, and everyone in my rear-view mirror is a driving too fast.

Anonymous said...

Hahahah. My kind of driver.

Thanks for the dispensation!

AnarchAngel said...

Honestly, even given all the conveniences, I still don't understand how you manage to run a small business in Massachusetts.

The regulations, the taxes... YOu lose so much just from being there when you could easily go to New Hampshire...

Not only that, but you seem to be an independent, freedom minded sort. I grew up in Mass, and there are still things I love about it, but I could never live there again.

I prefer living in free states.

Dust Bunny Queen said...

I probably qualify as one of the elderly *sob* born in 1950. My list of great things the future has brought include all of those things you mentioned.

I can do my job via the "Intarnets from anywhere in the world including sitting in my jammies at home. Information at my fingertips that was inconceivable in the olden days is available at the click of a button and can be emailed to my clients so we can both look at the same information at the same time even in different cities.


I can get exotic food ingredients from anywhere in the world shipped right to my house. Want to buy a lobster, lemon grass seasoning, smoked salmon, rack of lamb, duck breasts? Just hop on the net.

Need to buy some shoes, clothing, fabric. No need to get into the car and drive the 75 miles to the nearest city (yep, I live in the boon toolies) just hop on the net. It doesn't fit? the color was wrong. Call the UPS guy and have him pick it up and send it back.

MUSIC!! How cool is it that I can have thousands of songs on my computer and wirelessly beam a personalized selection of songs to the speakers on my deck? Want to listen to a little jazz and sip some scotch while watching the evening shadows crawl over the river below? No problem.

Need to listen to music at work? Want to hear any kind of music without interruption while in you air conditioned car with those heated seats for the winter? A satellite will just beam down to you what ever you want to hear.

GAMES!! Ok. I'm a game junkie. On line gaming. Computer games are light years away from Pong which was amazing when it first came out.

PS. I also love your nostalgia about boys web site.

B. Durbin said...

Ah, yes, music.

When I got married, we were very poor but technically saavy and set up two computers, one attached to the electronic organ in the church (for the recessional) and one in the reception hall. Tower, monitor, keyboard, mouse. Elaborately constructed pain-in-the-butt playlists. All so we wouldn't need a DJ.

That fall, they came up with a device that could do the same thing, easier, that was the size of a deck of cards.

A year ago they came up with an iteration that can double as a tie clip.

And all of this has happened since the turn of the milennium. We're not just heading into the future, we're accelerating.

Enjoy the ride.

Ruth Anne Adams said...

Hey, Author:
Can you tell the Editor to re-run this post?

SippicanCottage said...

Your wish is my command. How about tomorrow?